i need a hug. a really tight hug. =(

i've been so busy with the student council... it's so stressful. really... yet, these hardships will pay off in the end. that's why i'm sooo obsessed in being at the sc. it give you a different high knowing that all those hard work paid off.. that you made people happy. and you've proven to yourself that you can do things you wouldnt have thought you could.

=)

busy

ive been very busy these past few days and will be much busier the following 5 days. our acquaintance party will be this friday, and being a student council officer, we were tasked to plan the event. it jut bugs me that we already planned everything weeks before, then the teachers would just butt in and start making changes and leave the finalization to us. our plans were altered barely a week into the event! so we have to make other arrangements for so little time, and we havent even collected enough money for the expenses! garrrr..... i just wish that when friday comes, everything will just fall where they rightly should.

you ever had that feeling
that you still love so much
but you just cant...

it's because the hurt is overwhelming
the scars are still raw
its not yet healing...

happiness for them
you wish, you want
unhypocritically

it pains you more
that they choose not
it just breaks your heart

you want to move on
seem to move on
but just cant...

videoke mania

recently, my friends and i have been addicted to videoke. hahaha... we would occupy a room and stay there for hours and would only stop if we almost have no money left. haha...

the one who would sing the most is sherwyn... and loves to dedicate songs for us... sometimes, she would dance in a sexy way or act silly as she sings... hahaha... she usually chooses nice songs..

nikita, the one who always makes us laugh, would sometimes render a britney spears number. she could really sing like britney! swear! sometimes, she would be tripping a pussycat dolls song. but nikita has a really good voice. though at times, she would make different voices to perk us up...

beauty. now beauty is the BEST singer there is. hahaha... she has this really cool voice that you would really love to listen to... her voice is best suited for pop selections... and sometimes, we would act crazy when she chooses crazy songs to slam to. hahaha...

and rana. i love the songs rana chooses. it would mostly be rock ballads / power ballads... and he too could sing them pretty good.

i love videoke-ing (?) hahah... i could sing my heart out to a song that matches my mood... we get to have fun and do a thing that we love most.. and that is, to sing!

how i coped with problems...

often times, in the past years, i often resolve to self-mutilation whenever i feel down, or whenever i feel i can't take it anymore... it usually makes me feel lighter, thinking that i still could take in pain..

when i was in highschool, i admit i resorted slashing my wrists while enslaving myself to hard swimming workouts.. i was sooo engrossed in seeing blood come out from my skin, but though i felt i was brave in doing such act, i was a coward. slashing my wrists was a suicidal attempt, yet i couldn't do it. i could not go forth and kill myself.

during college, drinking beer and joining in a fraternity/sorority seemed much "cooler" for me. there was a time that i was so depressed, i joined a fraternity. to feel the pain of being spanked with a paddle and belted on the back seemed very delicious to me. i also joined the rotc officership training to stress myself out. though i was disappointed a bit because of the lax treatment we were given.. it was the time when hazing in rotc was in a really big controversy, so the senior officers where cautious. =( drinking to get drunk was also a fad. i always came home late and drunk. but they never noticed.

but now... i still am in college.. but i have matured. i feel that i have matured. i face problems head on.. i weight in the pros and cons and use them as factors to my decisions. writing songs, poems, and letters helps me release tension, as well as drawing and painting. well, there are times when i still resort to self-mutilation. like having my tongue pierced. but, i also found a selfless alternative. donating blood. the pain is there. but it gives me a lighter feeling, knowing that what i'm doing is for a good cause. and there are free snacks as a bonus! hahaha!!

sometimes i wish i was a little kid again. the only problems i had were assignments (which could immediately be solved when mom's there), what candy i should buy, what shoe and sock i should wear to school...well, you get the drift.. being a kid has lesser problems. i mean, there are a lot of problems when you're a kid, but the weight of the problems are lighter.

as they say, it is a cycle.. i just wish that as i grow older, the problems that comes keeps getting lighter...

no B.S.

things are starting to fall into their rightful place...and i do hope that they fall where they REALLY belong... it's so tiring.. trying to figure out things. but then.. i'm now a believer that there IS a rainbow after the rain.. and thankfully, the rainbow came on such short notice.. hahaha

well, i cant say that i dont want her back. but if things were meant to be that way, then ok... ive accepted it wholeheartedly now. what i cant take is the silence. i still want to be friends with her. but maybe, when she is ready then it'll happen.

yes, i miss her at times... but then, there really arent that much memories to be remembered. it is different when you have been together and with each other.

what i want you to know is that i really do care. i still am worrying for your happiness. and i dont appreciate hearing dreadful things from you. it makes you seem pathetic. you have chosen. you have decided. just stick to what you have made.i REALLY do want you to be happy. no B.S.

cannot be!

this week has been really exhausting for me...

too much drama. depression took a toll on me... lost weight in a matter of days... took it all in... but finally broke down..

yet... ive risen from that hell hole.. jeez.. ive realized that life is so short to be spent on sulking. it wasnt worth it anyway. yes, i want her back. but not now... maybe in time.. when she realizes my worth. when she will be worthy enough of the love i have given her. when drama no loner reigns her life. when she proves that she deserves my trust again.

i'm really thankful for all my friends. i kept blaming myself that it was my fault... theyve made me realize that it was a pathetic excuse. and it really was. jeez. i should be with someone who would fight for me, accept me as i am, and would hang on and never let the love be gone...nan! daw ka quote? wahaha!! but really though...i have loved purely and without guilt, and that was what i should get? tsk tsk.. i didnt deserve that. I LOOOOOVEEEEE YOU FRIENDS! MWAAAAAHZ!

anyway, after that horrible week. last night really made up for it. super! i was with friends... and had a blast of unplanned fun! garrrrrr!!!!

eating chicken skin at this chicken house.. then splitting the three-piece chicken coz we just felt like eating... hahaha..

videoke at sm storyland... singing our hearts out with sappy songs, slamming to rock songs, and just havin g fun. jeez... videoke has never been fun as that night. weeeeeeeee!!!

gig @ refuel. jeez.. never! and i mean, never will i ever go to another gig @ refuel. hahah!! but still.. had soooooooo much fun. food trip again.. and got my reunion with my long lost friend... hahaha.. i missed you! you pulang kabayo! bwahahha!! as much as i dont want to admit it, i got drunk after only three bottles. jeez! that was soooooo embarrasing. anyway, there was this cute waiter.. and i kept coming back to order so i could see him..wahahah.. how pathetic. but no one could be cuter than who was with me that night. hahaha.. jeez... cannot be! ahahaha... ok ok... enough about him... hey.. i just remembered... how cute it was that we kept finishing each other's sentences...wahahah... ok ok!! STOP!l

the best part... going home... hahaha... jeez! walkathon? food trip. naman? parajan! stoplyt! teds? hahaah.. the. best. part. was. it. was just the two of us, and we still had fun... walang ilangan. hahaha... OMG! now he makes me smile... waaaaa!!! cannot be!!!!!

nene... thank you for the laughs...
rana... thank you for the smile... =)

“It’s hard to hold on to something that you know would never be yours in any way you think of. You just have to learn to let go and face the fact that while some good things never last, some don’t even start.”

escalator drama

hurt...

masking myself ...

singing my heart out...

walking to nowhere...

speaking with no one...

you appeared...

tight embrace...

tears fall...

my beacon

once i was darkened
i had no light
i was lost in a labyrinth
in the middle of the night
and then sunrise came
then there was day
though i'm in shame
you helped me with my way
you were that sun, my beacon, my guide
you found me no mater how much i hide
though you believe you cant know me
yes you can, you just gave up to see
so many suns, in my life, ive met
youre one of those, i wouldnt, couldnt, shouldnt forget
a precious part of my life, you are
be my guiding light, my star